


The Night and the Madness

by BetweenBlackandWhite



Category: Einstürzende Neubauten, Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-04
Updated: 2018-12-04
Packaged: 2019-09-07 05:22:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16847929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BetweenBlackandWhite/pseuds/BetweenBlackandWhite
Summary: Berlin. Early 80s. The first Bad Seeds Album released, Nick sees Blixa on stage with his own band for the very first time.





	The Night and the Madness

It's was early in the morning and the coffee tasted bitter. Nick let his head sink on the keys of his piano. His finger monotonously pressed one of them, until the point he was almost annoyed by himself. The small rehearsal room in Berlin seemed much larger when no one else but him was there. Nick Cave & and the Bad Seeds had become Nick Cave & and the Bad Coffee. "Could you please be more professional?", asked a deep voice from the off. Without looking up, Nick laughed and shook his head. "Mr. Cave, you look like shit," the voice behind the glass said laughing. Nick showed him his middle finger. He raised his head, stroked his hair back and looked to the thin figure behind the glass. Nick made a gesture to show Blixa he should come into the room. Outside his gaze, he straightened his shirt and quickly checked whether his deodorant from the previous day was still doing its job. The heavy door opened. "I thought you guys are on tour?", asked Nick. Blixa shrugged. "Our schedule has been changed. Berlin is next," he said, yawning loudly. "You're like an infection. Will I ever get rid of you?", asked Nick laughing. Blixa sat down next to him. "In opposition to you, Mr. Cave, I write excellent songs," Blixa said and put his hands on the keys. The tune Blixa played was chaotic and offbeat. Nick laughed out loud and glanced at the long pale fingers. They had small wounds and looked like they have never been taken care of. His gaze wandered up Blixa’s wrist. Still, Blixa was playing the strange melody. "Did you miss me?", asked Blixa, but Nick did not answer. Something made him wonder. Blixa took his hands off the keys and pulled the sleeves of his black sweater all the way over his fingertips. Blixa's big eyes stared at Nick. "I…uhm… I have written something…new," said Nick quickly and started playing a tune. "Does it have any lyrics?", interrupted Blixa. Nick stopped, then continued to play. "You are offbeat,” said Blixa. Nick stopped again. "Did you get beaten up?", asked Nick annoyed. He regretted it immediately. "Mind your own business," Blixa said, walking to the door. "I wanted a quiet moment with my piano and then you just burst in!", Nick shouted to the falling door. He let his head sink back onto the keys and again pressed one of them monotonously. Nick looked to the side, at the keys Blixa had just played. He straightened up. What was that he had seen? His hands ran through his messy hair. It was probably too much. As extroverted as Blixa seemed, as soon as someone cared about him, he just seemed to build an even higher wall. Actually, Nick didn't know much about Blixa. What he knew, though, was that he was more vulnerable than he wanted to show. Nick stretched and stood up. There was a ticket lying on the chair.

He had never seen Blixa perform live with his band. The room was much smaller than the clubs where they usually played with the Bad Seeds, but the people looked much like those who went to concerts of the Birthday Party. Nick squeezed into a corner at the front side of the stage. He didn't want to be recognized or talk to anyone. He did not know why Blixa wanted him to be there and it already felt strange to not be the person in the spotlight. Nick observed the stage. Quite a bit of scrap, he thought, taking a deep drag of his cigarette. The light went out and a spotlight lit up Blixa's scraggy figure behind the microphone. He had never seen him from that perspective. He seemed taller, more fragile, yet dominant. The body wrapped in black rubber stood there like a daemon, only the right leg moved with the beat, if there was one. The noise became almost unbearable and the crowd boiled up. Some danced, others cried, a few just stared, and in a corner, he recognized two men who definitely thought they were unseen. ‘Bloody Germans,’ whispered Nick and raised eyebrows in disbelief. A dull noise on stage. Nick turned his head back to it. Blixa had dropped on his knees and stared into the nothingness. Then Nick heard the most gruesome scream he had ever heard. Blixa started hitting the ground with his fists. He yelled something in German that Nick didn't understand, but the voice was full of despair and pain. He had never experienced Blixa like this before. He transformed right before Nick’s eyes. Suddenly, there was nothing left of the Blixa he knew. Blixa got up, took a strange object into his hands and fell to the ground again, powerless, almost without consciousness. Nick threw his cigarette to the ground, his heart racing. Everything seemed out of control. The crowd was a single mob, and everyone was doing their own thing, as in trance. Nick's eyes, though, were fixed on Blixa, who began to hit his knees with the metal object. First tentative, then faster and firmer, his face twisted with pain. Whatever Nick was witnessing, it made him feel uncomfortable. He more and more had the urge to storm on stage, but it probably just was a part of the show. He didn't want to disrupt them. Still, he didn't get rid of the feeling that something was getting out of hand. Maybe Blixa had taken something, dosed something wrong, mixed things. Nick’s heartbeat was almost as loud as the crashing noise that came from stage. The grey metal began to turn red as Blixa appeared to have made his way through his skin. ‘Fuck,’ Nick whispered. He had experienced and seen a lot, but never that anyone inflicts such pain on themselves, publicly. He huddled to the side of the stage. One of the Securities grabbed him by the shoulder, blinded him with a flashlight, laughed and let him through. Blixa weaved from the stage, arms red, blue, wet, the metal still in his hand. Nick snatched the iron bar from him. "Shit! Are you insane?!", Nick shouted to his face. Blixa just shrugged. "That’s not a fucking joke!", said Nick trying to help Blixa stand. Blixa pulled up his shoulder, his bloodshot eyes hit Nick. Nick almost froze in the sight of them. Then Blixa collapsed. Nick looked around to find the rest of the band, but everything was just too chaotic. Some of the crowd were up on stage, some others seemed to beat each other up. "What happened?", asked an unfamiliar voice. Nick gave no answer. The man knelt in front of Blixa and looked up to Nick. "You're Nick ... Nick Cave," he said drunk. The man grabbed Nick by the hand and pulled him down with a jolt. A pain drove through Nick's body. Blixa was lying motionless on the ground. "You have something to sort out ... I think," said the man, put Nick's hand on Blixa's chest and stood up to almost fall back on stage. Only then Nick recognized the man as a member of Blixa’s band, but he couldn’t recall his name. It seemingly was a night in hell for everyone: The band, the audience and Nick.

Nick bent over Blixa, put his arm around his neck and tried to lift up his weak body. Blixa's head fell over like a stone. Nick’s hand slapped over Blixa's cheek like a whip. "Come on. That's not funny," said Nick and shook Blixa slightly. He briefly opened his eyes and then fell back. Nick's white shirt was smeared with blood. "Come on!", said Nick and it took all his strength to lift Blixa on his feet. "Luckily you never eat," Nick said quietly, starting to drag Blixa to the backstage area. Cursed Berlin, full of idiots. "Can I have him after you?", joked a man in the hallway who clearly no longer knew what he was, where he was and what he was doing there. Again, Nick tried to find the rest of the band or a manager. Did they have such a thing at all? He wouldn't have been surprised if not. The backstage area smelled like an opium den from a hundred years ago. Even sober it was hard for Nick to stand. So, this must be what it feels like when someone has to take care of your drunk ass, Nick thought and realized that he himself sometimes was a burden. How many times did Blixa have to drag Nick out of a bar or some other place? He had lost count. Nick decided that Blixa needed to get out of this place to rest. With difficulty, Nick carried Blixa to a taxi. "Braucht er einen Doktor?", asked the taxi driver. Nick did not know exactly what the man asked and nodded out of uncertainty. He gave the taxi driver a note with his address. He always carried it with him, because he could not pronounce it correctly and sometimes ended up in places he didn’t planned to go. Blixa lay in his lap, still almost unconscious. Nick hesitated, but then his fingertips tentatively touched the first strands of hair on Blixa's head. "A shower would do you good," Nick whispered, smiling. Then his gaze fell back on Blixa's arms. He didn't even want to think about what his legs looked like. The man in his lap reminded him of himself and certainly wasn’t the man who calls himself Blixa. Like a reflection, he lay there. Shadows moved across the pale face.

Arriving at the apartment, Nick dragged the nearly lifeless body up the stairs. "Where are the keys?", asked Nick annoyed. Blixa shrugged. "Blixa! Keys!", said Nick louder and Blixa pointed to the doormat. Nick let Blixa gently sink to the ground and took out the keys under the mat. The apartment was almost empty. As in a hospital, sterile and white, very different from his own room, full of pictures and useless stuff. Nick grabbed Blixa by the arms and wanted to pull him up. Blixa screamed. Nick had grabbed into his wounds with his rings. A shiver drove through his body and he knelt down. It was almost impossible but there was a tear which ran from Blixa's eye down to his mouth. "Hey…," Nick said quietly, carefully placing his hand on Blixa's pale cheek. A loud breath left Blixa as if a heavy load was crashing down on him. Blixa finally opened his eyes. "Let’s get you into bed," Nick said, reaching under his arms to avoid hurting him further. Nick still wondered what it was they had to talk about. Maybe Blixa’s bandmate was so drunk that he just said it without any meaning, but he was still confused. Nick dropped the weak body on the unmade bed. "Can you undress yourself or do I have to help?", asked Nick. He watched Blixa struggling to open his. "Oh man," Nick said, rolling his eyes. "I’ll be right back," said Nick and left the room. He came back with a wet cloth and sat down on the bed next to Blixa. Nick carefully began to pat his arms. The man before him didn’t even notice someone touching his wet wounds. There was a strange sick feeling in Nick’s stomach. He observed the weak body in front of him. Nothing more than skin and bones. He paused for a while and watched Blixa’s breath getting stronger again. The beast was coming back to life. Nick took the cloth and went to the bathroom. The red liquid flowed from the fabric. The air smelled metallic. The cold water ran over his hands and it reminded him of how much life there was still in him, thanks to the man in the other room. Nick had to gather all his courage to return to the beast. He counted to three, took a deep breath and walked across the doorstep. 

His heart almost stopped. Blixa stood upright in the room, smoking, just dressed in his underwear. The body enlightened by the pale moon. Cuts and other wounds all over his body. He looked more than death than death himself. "Verpiss dich!", said Blixa. "You…Blixa, you need-" "Help?", Blixa said mockingly. "That's just part of the show, Nick. It’s just a show." "That's not a show anymore. That's self-harm," said Nick. "And if so. It’s just some kind of body art," said Blixa defiantly. Blixa went back to bed and covered himself. He stubbornly looked out of the window. Nick lit a cigarette. "Does all that ...," Nick said. His heart almost jumped out of his shirt. "Does all that have anything to do with me?", Nick asked and waited. Since they first met, he had the strange feeling that there was something Blixa didn’t want to talk about and that this something had very much to do with him. The cigarette had almost burned down to the filter without him taking a drag. There was no reply. Nick slowly walked towards the bed. He gently sat down on the bed and as if attracted by a magnet, Nick's hand approached the bare skin. Blixa shrugged slightly when he touched him. "Don’t ...," Blixa said quietly. "Why?", asked Nick, letting his hand slide over Blixa’s shoulder. "Don’t bring something to life you cannot nurture," said Blixa, daring not to turn around. Nick put the wet cloth back on the wounds. Blixa clenched his teeth. "I ... I fear I'm like you," said Nick and his heart stopped. Blixa spun around and looked at him with questioning eyes. "A colorful rare flower," said Nick. He couldn't resist to laugh. Blixa, too, laughed briefly. Their eyes met, but the distance was insurmountable. "You hurt me," Blixa said. Nick’s eyes observed the weak body. "Keep hurting me," he added. Nick pulled his hand back. "That ... I can't do that," Nick said, feeling more insecure than ever. "You can't, or you don't want to?", asked Blixa. His big eyes pinned Nick down. Nick didn't know how to respond. He had already given away too much anyway. "I'm not hurting you, you're just hurting yourself," said Nick, not trying to look at Blixa any further. "I have to feel it," Blixa said, letting himself sink deep into the pillows. "What?", asked Nick. The silence that followed was hard to bear. The clock in the room ticked quietly. A few drops of water fell on the unwashed dishes in the kitchen. "I ...," Blixa said, breaking the silence "I have to feel something that is stronger ..." Again, silence followed. Nick took a deep breath. All the questions, all the looks, all his yearnings raged up in him like a storm. "Something that is stronger than what I’m feeling for you, Nick." The silence was brutally shattered. Nick's heart raced. He somehow knew but never dared to ask. "I'm sorry," Nick said quietly. He took a cigarette out of his pocket and lit it. "You're just the sum, the top of the iceberg," Said Blixa, sitting down next to Nick on the edge of the bed. Nick wanted to ask what else was there. He wanted to know what had broken the man next to him, made him eat nothing, let himself die slowly, but the words didn't want to crawl out his throat. He wanted to be empty, that was what Blixa always said. But Nick didn't know why. Again, it was so quiet that you could hear the paper of the cigarette burning down. "You are the most beautiful being that I have ever seen," Blixa said, his voice calm and gentle. Nick glanced out the window. "Since when?", asked Nick. "Since you first set a foot in the bar," Blixa replied, taking the cigarette out of Nick's mouth. He looked at Nick, his eyes asking the same he had asked. Nick didn’t know if he should tell or if he should just say that he doesn’t share Blixa’s feelings. "Ever since I saw you on TV," Nick said hesitantly. Nick ejected a short laugh but shortly after that tears were running down his face. Blixa took Nick's hand. "Knowing that would have saved me a lot of trouble," said Blixa and Nick forced back a smile on his face. Nick squeezed his hands into Blixa’s. He just wanted to disappear inside himself. Just don’t exist. Leave forever. There were too many questions in his mind. "I can't do that," he said quietly. Why did it have to be Blixa, of all people he knew. It was just a fantasy, nothing more, Nick thought. But the lust and desire that boiled up inside him got more and more difficult to suppress. Suddenly he was in front of him: The forbidden apple, the forbidden fruit. 

Blixa took the wet cloth off the bedside table. When it touched his wounds, he ejected a quiet, excruciating hiss. A shiver ran through Nick's body. Blixa saw Nick clenching his fists between his legs. He put his hand on Nick's thigh. Hesitantly, one of Nick's hands wandered towards it. Together, they wandered up further his thigh. Nick’s breath almost stopped. His body was tense, the heart racing out of control. Blixa's hand let go of Nick's. Wandered on. Their eyes met. Nick allowed Blixa's hand to slowly wander into his lap. His gaze not turned away from his eyes. Never had Nick been so close to a man. All of a sudden everything came crashing down: His dark fantasies, the secret glances, the men with their beautiful eyes, the bodies he wanted to touch, the lust, the longing, the desire. Blixa's hand on his cheek. Silence. Limbo. Vacuum. The curtain had fallen. Nothing was a secret anymore. Blixa began to gently kiss Nick's neck. Hesitantly, Nick turned his head to the side. The tip of his nose now touched that of his opposite. The lust boiling up inside him was painful and almost unbearable. Blixa gently bit on Nicks's lip. A slow dance turned into a wild tango. With heavy breath both grabbed each other's hair, fell on the bed and squeezed their bodies tightly against each other. So firm that they were almost one. Nick felt Blixa's erection as he pushed his thigh between his legs. Unlike the body of women, this one was hard and firm, an uncut diamond, so different, but the lust was the same. "Hurt me," Blixa whispered. Nick hesitated but after a short moment pressed his rings firmly on an open wound. Blixa ejected a quiet torturous scream.   
Nick undressed. The pale moonlight on his body. "Turn around," Blixa said cold. "Turn around," he said again. Nick didn't. Blixa threw himself on him and held his palms. Their lips touched again. "I'll fuck you until you can't say anything anymore," Blixa whispered, sat up and pulled Nick up by his hair. Nick moaned. "Do it," Nick said. Blixa grabbed him hard by the shoulder and turned him around. His fingers wandered over Nick's butt. The other hand reached around him and began to perform a gentle dance. Nick groaned. "Fuck," he said quietly. Blixa let his index finger slip into him. Nick fell silent. Then a second finger was added. Nick grabbed the pillow tightly. Then he felt some saliva run down his backside. Again, Blixa spat down on him. "You break me. You hurt me…," Blixa said quietly. "Fuck me," Nick said forcefully. "You don’t deserve it any other way," Said Blixa, entering Nick. The pain left Nick groaning. He squeezed his fingers into the mattress. "Fuck, you're so tight," moaned Blixa. As in ecstasy, he kept bumping into Nick. The deeper he penetrated him, the more the pain turned into lust. Blixa could barely stay quiet. At first, Blixa was cautious but now Nick felt he couldn't hold back for much longer. Blixa’s movements were getting faster and harder. Nick was completely defenseless. Suddenly Blixa pulled out and turned Nick over. "I’ll watch you, if you watch me," said Blixa amid groans. Blixa came first. A warm liquid ran over Nick's stomach. Blixa's body twitched. Nick had never been this hard before. His breath stopped. "Come in my face," whispered Blixa. Nick groaned and did as he was told.  
Blixa laughed diabolically and took the cloth off the bedside table, wiped his face and Nick's stomach. He sank between Nick's legs and gently lay down on him. As he put his head next to Nick's, he could hear his breath calm down. Nick's hands slowly drove up and down Blixa's back. "That tickles," Blixa said in an unfamiliar playful voice. Nick had to smile. His hands reached for Blixa's cigarettes. His body naked at another man's was strangely familiar. It was as if they were one.


End file.
